Just why Fox Searchlight Pictures decided to distribute Imagine Me & You is beyond me. If they were expecting to market is a lesbian alternative to Brokeback Mountain, they are deluding themselves (insert the old saying about the uselessness of "teaching a pig to sing" here). Hoping for it to get better towards the end was just as pointless since that's where the familiar groaners really assault the viewer. I was kicking myself last night for attending a screening of this cliché-ridden romantic comedy instead of heading home to watch the Illini take on Wisconsin in a Big Ten basketball contest. At least I'll never have to waste a Netflix queue slot for this title in the future.

Note: Just because it states that a film was a "selection" of a prestigious film festival does NOT mean that it's watchable. I saw plenty of generic crapola at the 2005 Cannes Film Festival, so don't expect any more from any other festival, especially if it didn't win any awards. If the Toronto Festival selection committee only had a trailer and synopsis to go on, I can see how they could be duped into thinking it worthy based on its decent production values, attractive lead actors, and a synopsis that could be manipulated enough to sound edgy. It's not until we begin watching that we realize that the project is more appropriate for television to take advantage of its lack of character development and shallowness.

Making an ominous debut as director, screenwriter Ol Park re-tells the familiar story of a bride (Piper Perabo as Rachel) marrying her longtime boyfriend (Matthew Goode as Heck), only to become love struck by another at the ceremony—Luce (Lena Headey), who's supplied the flowers for the wedding. Rachel has apparently never experienced lesbian longing before, so must come to terms with all this implies before taking the inevitable plunge. If you think this original, just check out any major Gay & Lesbian film festival for a plethora of similar generic sit-com plots. Virtually every one offers the same advice: "Follow your heart!" Park must know this, so that line IS inserted at the proper "tear-jerker" moment.

The standard devices of awkward meetings and dysfunctional communication might work better if the two brunette actresses had any chemistry and could act as well as Mathew Goode (Match Point) does in the formulaic romantic comedy. They seem to have been cast strictly for appearance sake, with Perabo attractive enough to have been previously cast in Coyote Ugly and Headey as a near double--initially implying that Rachel is possibly hallucinating her phantom double at the wedding. Heck's character becomes the only sympathetic one since he offers enough nuances to seem like a real, likable, conflicted human being--a guy who hates his job and loves his wife, yet has always feared that Rachel may one day leave him.

Other stereotypes populate the supporting cast--a good-hearted mom, dysfunctional parental pair, and a cute younger sister (easier to cast than a cooperative dog) who serves as solace for Heck in the film's best scene. But the most annoying manipulation takes place with numerous convenient "co-incidental" encounters in London (as if it's a small town where people continually bump in to each other): the florist (a stranger) sits with the bride's family at the wedding, Heck and Rachel bumping into Luce and her lesbian friend at the supermarket, Rachel's mom popping into the video store just as Luce is previewing her first lesbian porn flick, Heck popping into the flower shop just as Rachel and Luce have their first sexual tryst, and more. The worst one comes at the end, and is telegraphed so amateurishly by a bike rider singing "Happy Together" five times louder than normal to make sure the audience "gets it."

Disgustingly predictable since it patches story lines from dozens of other films we've already seen, Imagine Me & You flops badly, serving only as a 94-minute time-waster if you are content with cinematic mush. Someone at the screening tried comparing this to Brokeback Mountain (as if EVERY gay-themed film is lumped into the same genre), but that's like comparing the San Antonio Spurs to the local high school basketball team. Brokeback centers on believable human beings while Park populates his film with cardboard cut-outs that sleepwalk through a paint-by-the-numbers plot line. The ONLY thing the two movies have in common is the fact that both played at the 2005 Toronto Film Festival.

This has no future in theatrical release, so it is likely destined for some play in Gay & Lesbian film festivals that won't object to screening tripe.